It is not that I see it happening

It is not that I relive the night

But I feel it

I feel that night

It creeps up on me through the day

And as night falls

The icy grip of fear and terror takes hold

I look at Bea

Almost 6 months old but exactly as Tilda was at 9

Exactly as Tilda was when she died

Bea is never long out of my sight

Never really long out of my arms

And this week

For this one week

I am hating putting her down

David is exhausted from his week away

Craving bed and sleep

I am too scared to close my eyes

And when I do and I wake

Horror meets my eyes

A white baby

Tinged with blue

I blink and shake and look again

And there is Bea

As she should be

Pink and chubby

Breathing

Snuffling

As alive as alive can be

My heart races

Tears fall

Any hope of sleep is gone

Bea stirs

Searches the dark for comfort and milk

Her love

Her need

Her touch

Calms my heart

And then the guilt rages

For this healthy living baby

When I am missing our baby that died

Twists and turns and stabs of emotion

The wounds of loss and grief run deep

This week

This one week

The wounds are open

Weeping

Infected and sore

The hurt is hurting all over again

Burning

Stinging

The anger is bubbling

Fire of fear burning

A river of rage bursting its banks

As this week

This one week

I feel it all again

Wishing for just one more moment

Wishing for one last cuddle and open mouthed kiss

Wishing I had had my chance to say goodbye

Wishing that two years on we might at least have an answer

As to why and how our baby died

This week

This one week

Snatching at memories

Searching for smells long gone

It has been two years

She has been dead far longer than she was alive

Losing her is killing me

Has broken us

The damage and destruction is still going on

Not just this week

Or that week

No one week

But all weeks on and on

Our baby is missing

Dead

Cremated

Gone

This week

This one week

We are reminded

How much we have lost

How much we still stand to lose

How far we have come

How we hate ourselves for coming

This week

This one week

Bears the pain and fear and anger of all the other weeks

As we relive, recount, remember the one week when she died

The one week

That held the one night

She died

There is much to love about winter
But I am sure that you will agree
That one of the seasonal highlights
Is wrapping up warm and snuggly

There is something truly special
About the feel of winter wool
Like family meals and chocolatey treats
That you leave you happy and full

I love to wear wool in winter
I love to wrap a cardigan round
I love the feel of woollen socks
When there is frost on the ground

It starts with festive fun at Christmas
A character or Nordic Knit
Baggy jumpers for pyjama days
Pub lunches require a more flattering fit

You might match your jumper with his one
Or perhaps mix and match with the kids
You might share your wool with your hubby
Sell your own dodgy home knit for high bids

There is much to love about winter
But I am sure that you will agree
That one of the seasonal highlights
Is wrapping up warm and snuggly

A lambswool maxi cardi
For throwing on when you get out of bed
Or if you prefer to share with your man
Perhaps a unisex hoodie instead?

A cashmere shirt for the office
Kimono sleeves for fun
A short sleeve jumper for warmer spring days
A tank top for summer sun

Whether you want a polo neck
A v neck or a crew
Woolovers has something perfect
For a wool lover such as you

So stock your wardrobe this winter
With merino and cashmere blends
As the temperatures dip and the snow starts to fall
Let winter woollens be your friends

There is much to love about winter
But I am sure that you will agree
That one of the seasonal highlights
Is wrapping up warm and snuggly

There is something truly special
About the feel of winter wool
Like family meals and chocolatey treats
That you leave you happy and full

If you are shopping for seasonal woollies this winter please do check out Woolovers. This is a sponsored post but their jumpers, tops and cardigans really do look fantastic.

Happy shopping!

As a busy mummy I often crave a hot cup of tea

And five minutes with my favourite magazine

Recently I have found that the best way to enjoy that coveted hot cup of tea

Is to give the magazine, or a catalogue, to Bea!

Bea loves to browse the pages of a periodical

She loves to flick the leaves of a glossy magazine

She likes to coo and gurgle at other babies’ faces

She likes to turn booklets round and round

She looks at the pictures from every angle

Concentrates with focus as though she is reading words

She grips and flips and turns and pulls and rips apart the pages

She loves what she is looking at

And loves to make a noise

Crunching, scrunching, rustling sounds

What a wonderful sensory experience a magazine can be

A feast for the eyes and ears

A place of exploration for the hands

And, of course, at five months old, the mouth!

Something in common for Bea and me

Me and Bea love magazines!

Do you?

The beautiful pink mat in these photos is a CosyPlay mat which we think is rather fabulous. Read our review here!