Everyone has something else to do
A job to go to
Other family to see
A project to work on
Everyone goes on
Being busy
I feel like I am locked in a cage
Some days I wish I could feel free
Be busy
Go on
But I can’t
And I hate it
My claustrophobic cage
I just need some space to breathe
Everyone else can function but me
And I just want to scream
“She is still dead you know!”
Nothing has changed
I am not miraculously healed
I do not miss her any less
Just because you do
I don’t think of her any less
Just because you do
The pain of losing her is no less now
Than it was then
I am her mummy
She is my baby
And she died!
Sometimes I just need time to be that mummy
To be her mummy
Sometimes I cannot be patient, playful, fun time mummy
I still need time to grieve
It was okay at first
It was accepted at first
That I would find life hard
Would struggle
But as time continues to march right on
More and more people think that I should be okay
But I am not okay
I am not okay at all
I am not sure that i ever will be again
And I have absolutely no idea what to do about that
Even though I cannot begin to understand how you are feeling as I’ve never experienced loss like this, I understand that the hurt will continue and be with you forever. It may appear to ease in time but I realise this has changed you totally and deep down inside the hurt will be the same as the day Tilda died. I know nothing anyone can say or do can really help but we are here and will always be here – even though our lives go on. Sending love xx
I am so very sorry that you have to live like this. I have no words of comfort for you. I don’t think it does get better, I think you just learn to live around and with it. Much love to you. Xxx
You mustn’t feel pressured junto pretending you are ok. I know that nothing will be quite right eve again. Take all the time that ou need, when you can as you will never ever stop being Matilda’s mummy.
X x xx
Dearest Jennie, I think that when you have special Matilda days you feel a little happier as you know everyone is thinking of Matilda and you can feel love for her everywhere even on Twitter but on those ordinary days like today when you miss her just as much you feel like everyone has forgotten her as they continue with everyday things. I know this hurts you so much as you feel everyone is forgetting her. I think this is grief Jennie and to me a mother who had grown Matilda in her tummy for 9 months, given birth to her and loved her in the strongest possible way for 9 months more cannot feel anything but hurt, fear, pain and indescribable emptiness. I don’t know if any of these feelings ease a little or change a little and I would never pretend to imagine what you are going through. Everyone who loves you wants your pain to ease a little, never forgetting or loving Matilda any less, but hoping one day you feel a little happier and a little freer. Sorry for rambling on Jennie. I know we have never even met and I hope this ramble does not sound patronising. Sending you hugs full of starlight xxxx
So, so truly sorry. Beautifully written from the heart. What you say is so true. There are no words anyone can say, not even another grieving mother. But, if it helps, you may be in a cage, but I’ll happily sit in there with you than be on the outside pretending life’s okay. x
I’m so sorry that you feel like this, people should be giving you all the time in the world, life has changed for you in such a horrible way, how can that be ok? I people don’t expect too much from you, I hope you can take some ‘time out’ when you need to get away from the day-to-day. That is a beautiful photo of you and your beautiful baby, so clear she loves you xx
oh Jennie I’m sorry and there I was, ‘being busy’, bombarding you with emails. I’m really sorry. The world keeps spinning and you probably just want to stand still for a while and remember. I wish there was a way to heal your broken heart. xx