Here it is
The month I have been dreading
Four years on from the day you died
Four years on from when part of me died
Four years on from the start of the darkest days, weeks, months and year of my life
You died
And although you died on a day
A night to be precise
The pain is not contained to that one day
You died on the second
It was not really until the morning of the third that we were able to even think about what had happened
It was the fourth before I had any words
Every day in February Esther and William would ask
Where is Baby Tilda?
They could not understand where you had gone
How could they when we could not believe it ourselves?
February was the month when all your Daddy wanted to do was sleep
February was the month we had to sort through all your things
February was the month we waited for you to have your autopsy
February was the month we saw you, your body, in a coffin
February we chose the things you would take to Heaven
February we brought them to you in your casket
Daddy was so brave laying them with you
February was the month we planned your funeral
Tried to find the right words, right music, right way to say goodbye
February was the month Esther refused to go in the bath
None of us were coping very well without Baby Tilda here
February was the month we had to tell people
Over and over again
That our baby daughter had died
February was the month I was filled with milk
And had no baby to feed with it
The 2nd February is the anniversary of Baby Tilda’s death
February held the darkest days of our lives
We had no will
No direction
No clue where to turn
It is not just about one day
We will always dread February
We will always struggle in February
The days of that first February haunt us still
They will til the day we die
And here it is arrived
February
Rudely declaring that four years have gone
Four years without Matilda Mae
When a baby dies
Time is not a healer
Each year gone is a year further away
Another year of potential lost
Another year of milestones missed
I will always hate February
I don’t think any words can succinctly express sympathy, empathy or sadness on your behalf, Jennie. I almost feel I shouldn’t comment because I can’t write the right words, but I felt I couldn’t ignore this. I wanted to let you know that I have had you and your family in my thoughts throughout the days for the entire week.
You were blessed with a beautiful girl in Tilda.
Words can’t possibly help but I hope knowing that you are carried in my thoughts will make the smallest of difference. Even just the minutest shred of small comfort.
Sending thoughts and remembering your beautiful star. xxx
Thinking of you and Tilda today Jenny. I think of you all often. Am sending prayers and thoughts and will never forget Matilda Mae. Love, like starlight, never dies x X
Jennie, thinking of you so much today. You and your family have been through my worst nightmare, every parent’s nightmare. Baby Tilda will not be forgotten ❤️
You don’t know me but I have followed your wonderful blog since 2012. Just want to say that I think about you & your amazing family and especially your beautiful Tilda often. I’m so sorry this happened to you, that it happens to anyone.
Thinking of you and your family, Baby Tilda will forever be in the hearts of many xx