I think this was inevitable
That by the end of term I would be feeling utterly broken
From somewhere I now need to summon the energy to make Christmas special for my family
There is so much to do
I have exhausted all my energies and enthusiasm at school these past few weeks
Emotionally and mentally it has cost me dearly
And there is no stopping for a rest now
Now I have to make magical things happen for my living children
While missing my dead baby with all my heart
I find it very hard to find peace at this time of year
Today the tears before breakfast were mine
The sleepless night before was mine
So much to do and so little time
You literally cannot see the floor in most rooms of our house
There is no Christmas tree
No decorations
Most pockets of the advent calendar are still full of chocolate
Cards for school friends half written
Presents for teachers not made or bought
It is too late for us and advent this year
I can only promise my children that next year will be better
Next year my focus, enthusiasm and energy will all be for them
Today we have started our Christmas holiday a day early
We are all exhausted and have nothing left to give
We are having a quiet day
Wrapped in the arms of our dear friends
Before trying tomorrow
To make a start on Christmas
I am feeling very low
And very disappointed in myself
For forgetting what is most important
Who is most important
And who should be given the best of me
Family first
At Christmas time and always
