As 2015 draws to a close

I have a decision to make

(Together with David)

Do I want to try to get pregnant again?

Should David and I have another baby?

For the last few months

I have not felt broody at all

I have told people that Bea has broken me

At almost 17 months she still breastfeeds like a newborn

And still sleeps in my arms

I adore her

We have an incredible bond

But I am also exhausted

And longing for some time for me

More time with Esther and William

With David

We always said that we would have four children

When Tilda died we very quickly agreed that we wanted four children with us

Four children on Earth

Siblings for our baby in the sky

Esther and William are so incredibly close

It would not be right for Bea to grow up alone

Would it?

Bea at almost 17 months

Is already holding her own

Since finding her feet

She has also found her place in the family

She is definitely a toddler now

A strong willed, tantruming toddler

And an incredibly advanced, clever one at that

So very different to Esther and William at the same age

Should she have a sibling?

A partner for all her crimes?

9 months today

I will turn 40

I always said that this date would be the cut off for me

I did not want to have a baby when I was 40

But now the day is here

And I just don’t know

I am not sure that I am ready to say that I am done

I am not sure I want to never be pregnant again

To never have another baby

But I am not sure that I want to be pregnant again

To have another baby

I am getting older

I tire more easily

I am already medically a geriatric mother

Do I have the energy for another pregnancy?

Another baby?

Esther and William definitely do want another baby

I think that David does too

I don’t know how to know if I do or don’t?

I can imagine life with another baby

I am not sure our family yet feels complete

But I wonder if that is because of the baby we are missing

Rather than the need for any more

I worry that another baby means more years of treading water

Rather than moving on, moving forward

Embarking on adventure

I do wonder if now is time to look after me a little

I have been doing IVF, been pregnant or breastfeeding since the start of 2009

I think it would be okay if I was a wonderful wife and mother

But I think I am pretty terrible at both things

And yet there is a huge, great big part of me that just does not feel quite done

But now if we were to have another baby

I would be 40

A 40 year old new Mum

With 5 cycles of IVF

Premature twins

Losing Tilda

Raising a rainbow

And battling anxiety and grief

Maybe it would be pushing my luck to take on any more

Or maybe, just maybe

One more baby

Would truly make our family complete

Heal my head and my heart

It is not just about me

It is about all of us

Our family

I just don’t know how to know what I know or don’t know

Do you know?

As Bea lies sleeping in my arms

Your star shines brightly in the darkness of the room

As I listen to Esther and William’s excitement building

As they track Santa on their computers

I quietly sing Silent Night

Just as I used to sing it to you

Three long Christmasses ago

I miss you Matilda Mae

I miss you with all my heart

I miss the baby you were

And the little girl you should be

Three and a half you should be now

Caught in the midst of the magic of Christmas

There is a huge hole in my heart

And our home without you here

I think that Esther and William feel it too

They have been talking about you so much these past few days

It is normal for us to talk about you

The little big sister who should be here

The girl all the Christmas songs are about

Who all the stars are for

You may not be here with us Matilda Mae

But you are very much a part of us

Very much one of us

Part of who we are and all we do

Behind the smiles and laughter this Christmas

Please know that you are loved and missed

Please know how much better our lives would be if you were here

I often wonder what you would be like now

What would you want for Christmas this year?

What would you wear?

I long to know how your giggles would sound

How high or low your voice might be

I miss you

And I want you back

I will never ever stop wanting that

No matter how many children

How full my arms, my heart, my home

There will always be the space for you

In every situation

Family gathering, photograph

I can always see where you would be

I clearly see where you should be

My beautiful baby girl

I miss you Matilda Mae

And my heart is breaking because you are not here

Time is not a healer when a baby dies

I miss you more with every passing day

Every day I miss you more

I love you so much

At Christmas and always

Sleep in Heavenly peace, Baby Tilda

Sleep in Heavenly peace x

I think this was inevitable

That by the end of term I would be feeling utterly broken

From somewhere I now need to summon the energy to make Christmas special for my family

There is so much to do

I have exhausted all my energies and enthusiasm at school these past few weeks

Emotionally and mentally it has cost me dearly

And there is no stopping for a rest now

Now I have to make magical things happen for my living children

While missing my dead baby with all my heart

I find it very hard to find peace at this time of year

Today the tears before breakfast were mine

The sleepless night before was mine

So much to do and so little time

You literally cannot see the floor in most rooms of our house

There is no Christmas tree

No decorations

Most pockets of the advent calendar are still full of chocolate

Cards for school friends half written

Presents for teachers not made or bought

It is too late for us and advent this year

I can only promise my children that next year will be better

Next year my focus, enthusiasm and energy will all be for them

Today we have started our Christmas holiday a day early

We are all exhausted and have nothing left to give

We are having a quiet day

Wrapped in the arms of our dear friends

Before trying tomorrow

To make a start on Christmas

I am feeling very low

And very disappointed in myself

For forgetting what is most important

Who is most important

And who should be given the best of me

Family first

At Christmas time and always