Sunshine through my window
My star welcomed the day
Even if I did not
We sent her wishes
We sent her flowers to the sea
Whisked away by the fast flowing river
Swept away to the sea
Each petal a wish for peace
Each petal a tiny token of love
From Earth to Heaven
By water
We love you and miss you Matilda Mae
On this day
And always
We do x
Here it is The month I have been dreading One year on from the day you died One year on from when part of me died One year on from the start of the darkest days, weeks, months and year … Continue reading
Hold you in my arms I just wanted to hold You in my arms “Silently, one by one, in the infinite meadows of heaven, Blossomed the lovely stars, the forget-me-nots of the angels.” ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Evangeline: A Tale … Continue reading
Life has changed for me this year Natural happiness and joy are gone Even on my strongest days The hours feel dark and long I cannot do what I used to do I do not see how I used to … Continue reading
Dear Matilda Mae I have learned It is possible for a heart to break To snap clean into two If you listen you’ll hear the breaking There is nothing you can do I have learned The love between a baby … Continue reading
Dear Matilda Mae
Without you
I am terrified every day
Hurting all the time
Without you
I am in love and awe of your amazing Daddy
Without you
I am head over heels with all of my children
Without you
I am sad
Angry
Scared
Confused
Fragile
Passionate
Weak
Strong
Numb
Without you
I am disappointed in the people who let us down
Without you
I am lonely
Without you
I am grateful to the friends who get it
Thankful for the family who try to understand
Betrayed by the ones who can’t or won’t
Without you
I feel guilty for living
Without you
I have no confidence
I cannot remember who I am
Without you
Life is difficult
The world is hard to understand
Without you
I am lost
I cannot find my way
Without you
I am wanting you
I am needing you
I am loving you and missing you
Every single day
Without you
I am wrong
Life feels all wrong
Without you
I am nothing
I am nothing
Without You
Dear Matilda Mae
This photo was taken at Hythe where we will be on Sunday for Tilda’s anniversary.
Dear little Matilda Mae, I had only read your Mummy’s lovely parenting blog a few times before reading so very very sadly that you had fallen asleep …..it is the sort of thing that when you are a mummy yourself, … Continue reading
“It is a happy talent to know how to play.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Dear Matilda Mae
I didn’t know you, or even of you, until after you had died. I learnt about you on the day of your funeral. I looked up your mummy on twitter and I read her blog, and I felt sad, and I thought it was awful and tragic. But it wasn’t just a sad story like reading an article in a newspaper. I kept being drawn back to the blog, and the stories your mummy told. And I kept wanting to read what she had written. “This is silly,” I thought. “I don’t know this lady, I don’t know this baby, why am I reading these posts over and over again?!” The way your mummy writes – Tilda it is incredible! I now know everything about you. I have been back into the archives and read about you being the secret at the wedding of your parents. I have read all about your big sister and brother and how they came into the world. Like doing a poo!! I know more about messy play than a woman with no children needs to know! I have shared messy play ideas with my step mum and my step sisters and my sisters in law so they can do things with their children. I am tempted to buy a tuff spot already. I know about good stores to buy baby-related paraphernalia and I know about where to buy nice shoes. All of this I have learnt through Edspire.
These are all by the by though. What I have really learnt from your mummy, is what MY mummy must have been through. I was too too young to know my sister and far too young to have known about my parents’ grief. But your mummy has taught me, through sharing her story, through her honesty, her openness. I now know, now feel I can understand, how completely and utterly heartbreaking it is when your child dies. I have spoken about my sister with both my parents because I have read your mummy’s blog. I have looked into bereavement training. I want to be kind to parents and not make things worse if I can possibly help it, in my professional encounters with bereaved parents. Your mummy has made me a better paediatrician.
Your mummy misses you. I believe she will hold you in her arms again one day, but not until the time is right. And until that day comes, your mummy is never going to stop writing about you and shouting about you to the world! She will save lives with her fundraising and she won’t let anyone forget you. I hope she gets the rainbow baby she so deserves.
Thank you for your mummy, Baby Tilda
x x x
Esther and William are learning lots at the moment They love playing with letters and numbers They can read CVC words and spell them They can spell their names What they cannot do Or will not do Is hold a … Continue reading