Pregnancy after loss is a funny old thing

You worry so much more than you did before

About everything

On top of all the usual hormonal and physical changes

You are also grieving for the babies you have lost

Every day is a physical and emotional battle

I do not get through many days without inconsolable tears

I do not get through any without worry, panic, fear and guilt

Tomorrow I will be 27 weeks and 3 days pregnant

The gestation that Esther and William were born

This pregnancy is really really hard

But I have to admit

That inspite of all the pain

Despite all the worry and the fear

The niggles and discomfort

I love being pregnant

I love looking pregnant

And I love dressing pregnant!

I have a few favourite items this pregnancy

And the best of them is

My Stella dress from Babes with Babies

This beautiful maternity and nursing dress

Is so easy to wear

Easy to wash and dry

Easy to dress up or down

So comfortable and so flattering

It is everything you want and need from a dress

When growing a baby inside

And the easy feeding access

Means that I can continue to feel like a star in Stella

Even when baby is born

Stella is a heavy dress

Which I love as it falls beautifully

Wash after wash after wash

It is a very flattering style

Falling to just above the knee

I have worn it so many times now

And have a few regular ways of wearing

I love to wear my Stella with a pink long sleeved top

Jeggings, boots and a chunky cardigan

For more formal or evening wear I like to put a Bibee Tshirt underneath

In either a contrasting or complementary colour

With opaque tights and Livie and Luca pumps

I also love wearing my Stella

With my purple starry wellies

Especially on special Baby Tilda days

The Stella is beautiful worn on it’s own

It has very flattering cap sleeves

And I love the gathering at the bust

And the way dress falls beautfully over my bump

I also love the draping on the side

It really is a beautiful dress

And I feel so confident when I wear it

One of my favourite combinations has been with this simple yellow cardigan

The Stella dress from Babes with Babies is a maternity staple

It can be worn for any occasion

And it is guaranteed to make you feel gorgeous

It does me and that is not easy to do these days

If you like the look of the Stella

Please have a browse of Babes with Babies

They sell a whole range of stunning maternity and nursing wear

I was lucky enough to review one of their breastfeeding dresses

Zoe

When I went to BritMums with Matilda Mae in 2012

And I have just ordered two stunning dresses for BritMums Live this year!

And one of them is called Matilda!

Matilda in Wonderland

Meant to be

I was sent a Stella dress free of charge for the purpose of this review

But my love of the dress is genuine and it has been an honour to share it with you

I have been very careful about talking to the press

Since Matilda Mae died

There has been a lot of interest in our story

And I have turned many offers down

I did not want the story to get twisted or diluted

I do not know any journalists

So did not have anyone that I trusted to get it right

When I spoke to the lady who wrote the article for Mother and Baby

We spoke for a long time

She was lovely and sensitive

I know that she wanted to get the story right

Not just the facts but the tone and feel of the piece

It is not easy to write about the death of a child

The loss of a baby

When the lady had written the piece she had to send it to the editors

We then had a read back over the telephone and a few key facts were changed

Today I have seen the article in the magazine

I am not sure how I expected to feel when I read it

I realise I am too close to the story to have an objective view

But it did not feel like I was reading about me

And there are a few things about the edited piece that I would like to say

Things that I would like to clarify

The article was written because last year I was nominated for Britain’s Bravest Mum

I wrote about it here

In two pages it gives an overview of our story

From battling infertility to premature birth

Raising premature twins

Having three children under the age of two

Losing one of them suddenly and unexpectedly to SIDS

Living after loss

I realise that ours is not the easiest story to tell

With a limited word count

But I wish there was more of me in the piece

More of how proud I am of all my children

More of our journey through NICU and SCBU

More of how special Baby Tilda was to us

And now is to hundreds perhaps thousands of others

But the main points I want to clarify are these

1: Esther and William are now nearly four years old not two. I adore them and know I am lucky to have them alive. It is not luck that they are as healthy as they are, it is the dedicated work of the doctors and nurses on SCBU but it is also the choices that David and I made about how we would care for them once they came out of hospital. The magazine article seems to imply that I carried on working after Esther and William were born and I did not.

I gave up teaching full time long before they were born, long before they were conceived. Our IVF/ICSI journey was not an easy one and I could not dedicate the time and energy my pupils deserved and so I gave up teaching my class, I have up my management positions and I moved to our village school to give one to one tuition to pupils in need. I worked a few hours a week throughout my pregnancy with Esther and William, and I did not return to work after the emergency surgery I had during my pregnancy with them.

David and I spent every single day of Esther and William’s hospital stay with them. I sat by the side of their incubators and cots, singing, reading and talking to them each day. David spent his time preparing our home and working every hour he could so that when the babies did come home he could be there for them full time.

When Esther and William came out of hospital we basically quarantined them through the autumn and winter, through the RSV season, until they were big enough and strong enough to face the world.

This was our decision and it meant that though we did not see many people our children have never been readmitted to hospital. Esther and William even now very rarely get sick. That is something I am fiercely proud of as it is not the case for all 27 weekers at all.

2: Tilda only crawled once. It was on the day that she died.

3: The night Tilda died my Mum was with us and David’s parents both rushed to us the minute we called.

4: When we said goodbye at the hospital, when we had that precious time with Tilda before we had to leave her forever. I cried so much. I could not think straight, could not hold her or do the things I know other mothers do. She was gone from her body, even then. All I wanted at that moment was my baby back. I begged her, pleaded with her, please please Baby Tilda wake up. I was not yelling at her, I was not angry with her, I was just utterly broken and I wanted my daughter back.

5: Esther and William did not race down for breakfast. They were only two and a half and still sleeping in cots themselves. When we heard them wake we went upstairs to get them and carried them down. Even now Esther and William are not able to race down stairs.

6: Esther and William even now have questions about Tilda and death and why babies die. Even now they sometimes mix up Tilda and the new baby growing inside me. Of course they do. The are toddlers. They were only babies themselves when she died. It was just a week or so after she died that we all got in the car to go to Granny’s, we had taken Tilda’s seat out of the car and Esther and William got upset as we loaded the car, worried that we were leaving ‘Baby Tiger’ behind. It was then for the first time that they repeated back to us, Baby Tilda died, Baby Tilda is up in the sky, We will not see her anymore. This still breaks my heart today.

Our whole sorry story just tears at my heart.

It is all still so raw and so painful and hard to believe that any of it is true.

7: I do not check on Esther and William when they are sleeping, not unless David is out. It is their brave brave Daddy that checks them each night. I have a panic attack if it has to be me. Every time I check, even now, I assume they are dead until I hear them and see them alive. In the morning, if one wakes before the other, I cannot breathe until I know that the other has made it through the night too. I am not sure that feeling ever will go.

8: “Over time, the rawness of my grief has slowly eased” I think anyone who knows me or reads my blog will know that these words are not mine. I do not feel that anything is any easier at all. It still hurts as much today as it did the night she died. My baby was stolen for me and I cannot ever get her back. 15 months on and I am still not sure I believe that to be true, I am certainly not finding it easier to comprehend or live with. It hurts like hell every single day. Every single day.

9: I am actually not inspirational at all. I am a very selfish mummy who wants her baby to be remembered and wants an answer to the question. Why my baby? Why our daughter? Why did Matilda Mae die? The people that might one day be able to answer that question for us are The Lullaby Trust and that is why I do what I do. Because one day, somoene might tell me, this is why she died and maybe, just maybe, in doing that, we will save some other little lives along the way.

10: I am just a mummy whose baby died who still has a chink of hope that one day, if I do things right, I might see my daughter again.

In April 2013 we travelled to Coombe Mill via Longleat

We had our three children in the car

Two in their car seats

One in a paper bag inside a wooden boat

The holiday was for Matilda Mae’s first birthday

Booked on Christmas Day

She died just 5 weeks later

We took her ashes with us to Coombe Mill

Round Longleat Safari

On their way across the sea to the sky

Coombe Mill and Longleat will now always be what we do

For Baby Tilda’s birthday

And every year I will measure how much we have all changed

All grown

And every year I will be proud

Of how we as a family carry Baby Tilda with us everywhere

In our hearts

In 2013 our Longleat highlight was feeding the giraffes

In 2014 it was walking with penguins and Sting Ray Bay!

When we arrived at Longleat the rain was pouring

We ventured out of the car and even tried to see some animals

But they were all sheltering from the weather

It seemed we had left Spring behind in Kent

And arrived in Wiltshire in Winter

It was bleak

Soaking wet with sinking hearts

We returned to the car

Resigned to the fact that our day was going to be a wash out

But we were wrong!

Apart from the fact that no monkeys came out to play

It was the best drive through safari I have been on

David said the same

The Rhinos came far too close to the car for my liking

The deer poked their heads in our window

The tiger babies were playing in the wet grass

The older tigers were prowling

The lions were fiercely guarding their young

And what handsome cubs they were

The wolves were out and roaming round

We had a lovely drive through the park

And saw all that there was to see

A safari success

Inspite of the inclement weather

Once we had parked the car

The rain did not cease

We splashed through muddy puddles

Having a wonderful time

Esther and William actually enjoyed it more

For the puddles I think

It made walking much more fun!

We did try to keep under cover though

We had a ride through the rain on the train

And we went to the animal encounters area

To get up close to snakes and spiders

Esther and William were both very brave with the animals

We also went on the boat

And were lucky enough to see gorillas, hippos and pelicans

We also fed the sea lions as they swam alongside the boat

There were two new attractions this year

Penguin Island and Sting Ray Bay

Penguins and giraffes are my favourite animals

So the penguins were a natural highlight for me

And because of our new found obsession with Octonauts

Penguins and Rays are also popular with the twins

We spent a lot of time

Walking and talking with the penguins

And playing with the rays

Being able to get so close to the penguins was truly amazing

And quite emotional for me

And they seemed to like us

Were definitely curious

For me it was the highlight of the day

All this time

And it was still raining

So we decided to go and play in the mirror maze

A place that we had loved the year before

Esther and William loved it again

And it kept us all amused as well as warm and dry

As soon as we saw the sun peeking through the clouds

We got ourselves outside for a run around

Esther and William love the line maze just by the train

There are also some little hidey holes there

That they love to play inside

It was time for Daddy and I to have a rest

And to watch two of our children play

It is bittersweet to reflect

And what has changed in a year

How we have grown as a family

Esther and William are so very different now

Than when Baby Tilda was here

It makes me long to know

What Toddler Tilda would have been like

What would have been her Longleat highlight?

So many questions without answers

Tilda will never be able to celebrate her own birthday

But each year we will do it for her

By coming here to Longleat

On our way to Coombe Mill

By living our lives the best we can

To make our forever baby proud

Esther and William adore the tradition we have started

Getting up extra early

Travelling in their holiday pyjamas

Arriving early at Longleat

Driving through the safari park

Getting close to all the animals

Quality time with Mummy and Daddy

Riding on boats and trains

Exploring the village of Postman Pat

Playing in the wonderful play area

Each year we come back and find more to do

More to experience

More to see

We love Longleat in the clouds and the rain

Imagine what fun we will have when one year we come

And the sun is shining

The Penguin Island experience is wonderful

The Sting Ray Bay inspired

The train and the boat perfect for preschoolers

A wonderful way to learn and explore

But Longleat is about more than that

It is a place we feel at peace

It is a place to be brave!

This year we ventured in the bat cave

It was so dark and the bats were so active

Swooping so close you could feel them against your skin

An experience never to be forgotten

There is so much to do and see at Longleat

We have not been into the house at all yet

We have not tried the many food outlets

We are already looking forward to going back again

And to discovering what might be new for next year

As Esther and William get older I am looking forward to

Including VIP experiences as part of our day

As a special present from our baby in the sky

Everything we do Matilda Mae

We do with you

We carry you always in our hearts

Be at peace Baby Tilda

Be at peace x

We were given a free family ticket to Longleat for the purpose of this review